Every once in awhile, for five seconds, I feel like I have everything figured out. My life is neat and tidy, I feel confident, at ease and like I have control over things. Then along comes reality and the rug is pulled out from under me and there I am, a hot mess express headed not for Hogwarts (I'm still waiting, do you hear me J.K. Rowling?!) but for Patheticville, population: me.
This month has been nothing short of hard. There was lots of tears and moments of complete frustration and if I'm being honest, hopelessness. Not in a depressed, moody, emo sort of way but kind of like: Is this ever going to end? Is there ever light at the end of this tunnel? You know what I mean? When you can't catch a break and you constantly are on the verge of a nervous breakdown because you're an ultra sensitive weirdo named Kelly?
Most days it takes all that is in me not lay in bed and cry. And I would do just that, whine and mope and wallow in the sadness that was my life. Then I was convicted, so, instead, I set my alarm 10 minutes before I would get up just to have this conversation with God: "Hi, it's me again. I'm not looking forward to today but I know that You have a plan and a purpose, so use me, fill me with peace and rid me of anxiety. Help me be Your light as I love you better and love others like You call me to. Remind me that I'm drowning in Your grace, free from bondage to my sins and shortcomings, covered by Your blood. Within that freedom let me be refined and shaped more and more into Your image." Then we chat some more and I get up, only to have this same conversation 100 more times throughout the day.
Why? Because God is faithful. Always. He meets me wherever I am, knowing full well that I have nothing to offer. Even when at the end of the day I can say: "God, I have led 5 people to Christ, prayed all day, read my Bible, saved a cat from a tree and booked a missions trip to Haiti..." He loves me just as if I came to Him with nothing but my sin and dirtiness. My works mean nothing to Him in terms of His love for me and the amount of grace He shows. Sure, He is most glorified when I live a life that honors Him and worships Him, but that doesn't mean when I'm a complete failure that it's all lost. Good, bad or indifferent, His love, grace, goodness, is constant and faithful. Nothing I can do can change that.
I've been challenged lately to really tune into God, particularly, His faithfulness to me and His word. I intentionally look for His hand in my day to day activities and how His faithfulness is there, whether it be a whisper or a shout. Some days I see it in the the smiles on my students faces, it's the random message I find on Facebook in a comment or message, maybe it's the daily verse on my Bible app. Other days it's the in-your-face, blatant, flashing neon sign in the guise of a devotion, quiet time or lesson from school. But everyday, there are reminders littered throughout the day that God is constant, His goodness is sure and I can rest assured that He chose me before the foundation of the world.
That's when something started to change. When I turned my focus from my anxiety, my fear, the pressure to please others (HELLO: when I stopped focusing on me!) and began looking to Christ, it all shifted and my heart changed. My days weren't full of anxiety but instead full of peace that God was in control and that He would be there. I became filled with faith, my prayers were dripping with confidence knowing that they would be answered, I knew that when I asked, God would move! It wasn't because He had to, I wasn't testing God, but His faithfulness was teaching me to be faithful to Him, trusting that He would provide. I nipped my negative thoughts in the bud and instead replaced them with hurried whispers of: "Jesus, remind me..."
Remind me that I am Yours. Remind me that I am approved. Remind me that I am covered. Remind me that it was finished on the cross. Remind me that I am forgiven. Remind me that You are moving. Remind me that You do not forget. Remind me of Your love. Remind me of Your grace. Remind me of the cross. Remind me that You are peace. Remind me that You are Lord. Remind me!
Remind me that You are faithful to Your Word and You are faithful to me.
