A few weeks ago I was going through old posts and I came across this one, my 2014 survey, and I wept. I was astounded by the goodness of God, overcome by His lavish love and grace for me that He has shown in the SEVEN (what the heck you guys its JULY!) months since I wrote that post. Even now I can recall the sharp ache that I felt deep within me, this sense that things were getting better, but I had a long ways to go. The past seven months have been brief and fleeting, I feel like I fell asleep in January and woke up in July, but in the same breath, I feel like I've felt every single painstaking minute that took place. Growth does that to you, it's burden is hefty, it's longevity one I can only describe as hypersonic molasses and it's only when you take a step back that you see its incredible work.
If I could describe 2015 up to this point the words I would choose for myself would be: Happy, healthy and whole. And difficult. Extremely difficult as I've come to terms with who I am, who God says I am, being satisfied in that, moving forward and throwing my fears, insecurities, hurts and worries at the feet of Jesus and saying: "It's Yours."
I have truly tasted and understood the concept of freedom in Christ and friends, let me tell you, it is indescribable and leaves me refreshed and, well; happy, healthy and whole.
So that's where I found myself a week or two ago when I re-read that 2014 survey because God had met EVERY. SINGLE. NEED. Not only did He meet them, He exceeded them, pushing every mediocre definition and idea of what I longed for and was working towards. At times it was as simple as giving up and giving it to God and at other times it was as painful as giving it to God. But it was so incredibly worth it because I got to understand and glimpse the character of the God I so desperately was seeking and pursuing and trusting.
For the most part, these months have been ones of relishing in the aforementioned glimpses and understandings, finally feeling like I was trusting God and getting to know Him on this visceral level. No longer did I feel shame or lose hope that I would never be that type of person who would experience God so candidly because I WAS FINALLY DOING IT DANG IT and I was so, so happy.
Last week was a little bit tougher. I began to doubt and worry that soon, my closeness with God would dissipate. I feared that I would, once again, become lackadaisical, lukewarm and drift away from my faith. That I would begin putting my identity and seeking my satisfaction elsewhere only to become disappointed in God, feeling forgotten or that my time had come and gone and that He had moved on and was fixing the next person.
The little voice in the back of my head was back and it was bitter: "This won't last for long. This sweet place of retreat. This wholeness, happiness and healthiness your feeling will soon be gone, you always chase it away..."
I was so consumed and worried that I would screw this all up again that I forgot the God I was serving.
"And I'll give them a heart to know me, God. They'll be My people and I'll be their God, for they'll have returned to me with all their heart." [Jeremiah 24:7]
As I was reading this verse two things stood out to me; one, that I was serving a God who was capable and willing to give me a heart to know Him. He desires me to know Him, He wants to be my God and I need only ask. Two, the word returned struck a chord. It further cemented the goodness and unchanging nature of the one I was RETURNING to. I was coming back to Him with all my heart because He never left.
He never left. He never left. HE NEVER LEFT.
Suddenly this verse wasn't one that summarized the past seven months, but it convicted me of the anxiety I was feeling for the coming ones. I was so wrapped up in MY fear of ME turning away and ME muddying it all up that I forgot the simple fact that it isn't about ME.
It's about God. He would give me all I needed, He was there, constant, unchanging, permanent. Just like He had been for the entire journey.
I was reminded of the word theodidaktoi which means to be taught by God. That word resonated with me to my core because it meant this: I needed to shift not only my focus (from me, to God), not only my heart (asking God to give me a heart to know Him), but I would only shift my heart and my focus if I was being taught by Him and listening to what He said in those moments. Not what my fear said, not what my worries said, not what my theology said, what HE was teaching me.
The past seven months had been ones of constant teaching, sometimes whispers and sometimes shouts, but teaching nonetheless and that was something I could rest in. He was teaching and while doing so, He was letting me be lavished by His love and grace and teaching, and I was resting my weary, anxious soul in His arms, surrendering my fears, inadequacies and hurts at His feet, putting my identity and all in all in Him alone.
I need not fear what's around the bend, whether I'm worried I'll fail and retreat from my faith or nervous that once again I'll get hit with the crippling tsunami like wave of anxiety I once drowned in, for my God is one who I can return to, He is one who will give me a heart to know Him in those moments, to experience Him and cling to Him. He is a God who teaches and I am the one who learns.
So scratch that, yes I am happy and healthy and whole and that's great, but I am those things because I am theodidaktoi, taught by God.
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