christ is enough (& other things I learned this summer)

Real talk: The past few months have been hard.

I have been so heavy, broken and really searching and finding God in a new way. It amazes me that when I feel shattered and raw, when I'm worn down and weary, I can turn to Christ and weep, giving Him what little I have to offer, my broken pieces really, and He makes me new and heals me. He is my hope and stay.

I have felt heavy, yes, but more so I've felt almost like a failure, especially as of late.

For years there has been this buildup to the milestone that is "GRADUATION" and I am aware that it isn't the greatest accomplishment I will have, but it's my greatest feat yet. (12 years of school isn't a walk in the park, let me tell you.) A lot of weight is put in that day and rightly so! Your next big adventure awaits just on the horizon once you finish the last hill that is high school. Once you graduate though, a lot of expectations, hopes and dreams are invested into you. You are told to grow up, head to college and change the world. The response to your future are most often eager, full of pats on the back and declarations of: "You're doing the right thing! Your future is bright!"  

I sit back and watch my peers, friends and kids my ages be pat on the back and cheered on. They head off to become doctors and teachers and all around world changers and I can't help but feel a lack of enthusiasm for what I have on my horizon. 

To be honest, I know what I want to do, however I have no idea how to get there or what my immediate future holds. I am a terribly cautious person, indecisive as all get out and overall I'm terrified of letting other people down. (All the people pleasers murmur an enthusiastic: "Amen!") 

My friends, my parents, church people, teachers, customers, curious strangers and the like all have suddenly become people I can let down. They hear I've graduated and ask for my future plans and I reply: "I'm going to bible college." 

And I wait.

Because I know what comes next... "That's it?!" They ask, and I cringe. I can see disappointment flash in their eyes and my stomach tightens as I think: "They think I'm better than this." My heart is suddenly in my throat (and as of recently, tears sting my eyes) and I mentally add another check in the box next to People-Who-Are-Disappointed-In-My-Schooling-Of-Choice, an ever-growing list and the stuff my nightmares are presently made of. 

In those few words and the questions that soon follow, my passion, my desire, what I feel is God's calling on my life begins to be inundated with doubt. I begin to question my passion, is it uninspired? Lazy? Worth it? The hours of quiet time, the moments of sweet peace that have flooded this ever-so-anxious soul of mine, God's quiet reminders in my life, sweet confirmations that I was doing what He had always planned for me, are called into question.

The jury is 12 versions of myself, all a little bit more worried, panicky and full of doubt than the next. It's a losing battle for myself even before I give my opening argument.

So the past few months, especially the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time crying, praying, wrestling with God and trying not to punch someone in the face. I want to scream, I want to curl up in a ball and cry, I want my heart to be ripped off my sleeve and hardened so that it isn't so darn sensitive. But remember what I said earlier? I have come to God and said: "Listen buddy, here is the situation and it doesn't look good for the people-pleasing Kelly you created."

Want to know the cool thing? He reminds me that I already have the only approval, validation and source of praise I need and that is His. It was given to me when He died on that cross and took away my sin, extended His hand of grace and I accepted, forever to dwell in the presence of God. It's a tricky thing my friends, to fully trust God, that He will provide, especially when we are surrounded by people who may not understand our chosen paths or callings or those who are genuinely speaking into our lives out of love. But it is here that I am resting, it is here that I am clinging and it is here you will find me (probably for the rest of my life), in the approval of Christ.

It is here that I can say with confidence: YES! I am going to bible college because I know this: I have no desire to do anything but dive head first and go all in to the works of the Kingdom. I am aware that this can be done in any sort of career path you choose and I give my kudos to those who choose to go that route. But my passion and calling lies in serving alongside churches, organizations and missions. What I may lack in yachts and mansions I will surely make up for in my faith that God will provide if I let Him do His work through me and follow His calling on my life, whatever that may look like. To you this may seem "reckless", but gosh, isn't that the gospel? One big story of people being reckless (in the best of ways) with their lives in their pursuit of God?

Very rarely do I ever have a song that I listen to that I feel resonates with me, but I heard this song the other day and it rings so clearly with me, I feel like God is reminding me every time that I listen that I am doing what's best for me:

Christ is my reward

And all of my devotion
Now there's nothing in this world
That could ever satisfy

Christ is enough for me
Christ is enough for me
Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
No turning back

So I have a secret for you: I have never been so excited and so sure of my future. I don't know the gist of it (does anybody though?), but I have total and complete faith, I have purpose and I have peace and that's enough for me because Christ is enough for me.