2014 // a survey

I feel like I preface every blog post this way but: Oh my goodness! It has been so long since I've posted, time has flown since I last sat down and wrote and I can't believe that 2014 is almost over. I found this fun little prompt via Jolie, and thought it would be a interesting and well rounded way of looking over the past year! 

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Me and my diploma! ;)

>> what did you do in 2014 that you've never done before?

Had my wisdom teeth removed and went under anesthesia for the first time, graduated high school, went to Hawaii, went scuba diving, became an aunt, turned 19, moved out of my parents house into an apartment, started college, began teaching preschool, got my health figured out, helped plant a church, started eating healthier, became a brief and fleeting internet sensation. There were a lot of "firsts" but these are the ones that really stand out to me.

My first ever apartment, I loved that sweet little space.

>> did you keep your new years resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I can't say that I really make "resolutions". I start each new year with a "theme" or something that I want to really focus and hone in on (usually a character trait or attribute), I also make a mind over matter list (people over problems, for example, choosing people over focusing on "problems" that may come up in the relationship). So I guess the short answer is: nope! But I'll share my mind over matter list in a later post!

Scuba diving 40+ feet underwater in Maui.

>> did someone close to you give birth?

My sister! I became an aunt for the first time and I can't think about it without tearing up. It's so incredible to me how someone so little can bring so much joy and happiness into your life and how overwhelmed you can become with the thought of them. I am SO excited to meet Atalie in a few short days. She really is a beautiful little baby. 

My niece, Atalie Joyce!

A few of my cousins also gave birth! We added: Paislee, Otillie, Barrett and Elouan to the family. (If I'm missing someone, cut me some slack! There are lots of us!)

>> did anyone close to you die?

This year we lost our sweet friend Elaine who passed away after a near 15 year battle with cancer. I loved that lady and remember the night my dad told me she was in hospice I sobbed uncontrollably. A few days later I was going through letters from my graduation and found one she had written me. It was a magical moment, her letter was so encouraging and so comforting. I'm going to miss that woman.

>> what countries did you visit?

None!

>> what would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

Confidence, in a lot of things: myself, others, who I am.

Faith, in a lot of things (ha!)

Optimism, less negativity, just really focusing on changing my attitude and being an all around more thoughtful person who is a lot more kind to herself. I really feel like I let that opportunity pass by often.

>> what dates will remain etched in upon your memory and why?

* this is in no particular order because I'm just not capable of being linear right now, ha*

Ruthanne in the winter

January 8th // I met my friend Ruthanne for the first time. Despite the fact that I got the flu for the first time in 5 years while she was here, it was incredible finally meeting her and seeing how similar we are. We had such a fun time and I miss her lots and wish California wasn't so far away! Lucky me, I saw her again in the summer and you can read more about our day here!

Ruthanne in the summer!

August 25th // Atalie was born! I remember the night my sister called me and told me she was pregnant. (Like I remember the exact location because I had to take the nearest exit to pull off and finish hysterically crying.) It is surreal finally having here. She is the greatest thing ever, FYI.

April // I don't remember the exact day, but I got my wisdom teeth removed. It's not a "happy" memory, but it sure was an experience. I was mostly afraid of dying and full of LOTS of anxiety. I don't remember much after surgery (as in I have NO recollection of the 2-3 days after surgery) I do have texts with photos that I sent moments after I woke up (thanks mom for allowing me to do that), I found random photos that I must have taken, and I remember being really sick and crying because I couldn't eat and was hungry. Haha.

One of the many photos I found on my computer or phone. I was icing my jaw with a pillow case full of ice wrapped around my head with a sweater. 

July 25th // I WENT TO HAWAII! We don't travel far lots, but when we do, we have the BEST time! This was my "senior" trip, I almost went to New York but I'm so glad I did this! Lots of swimming, relaxing, reading books, adventuring and snorkeling!

May 29th // I graduated high school. I know, a lot of you are thinking: "Big woop!" But high school is this huge accomplishment because hello, it took you 12 years to achieve. Plus, you know, it's high school, which is kind of the worst ever. We celebrated with a taco bar, ceviche, peonies, a beautiful cake and lots of my friends and family. I remember being excited to be wearing this gorgeous purple dress and what a beautiful night it was. I love spring!

December 17th // I met my niece for the first time. I remember rushing through my day at work, luckily it was our Christmas party! I dashed out at 1:00 and met my mom and sisters in a WalMart parking lot, I opened the door and saw my sister and just started crying as I hugged her for the first time in almost a year and a half. Atalie had just woke up and I just remember staring at her in disbelief. All the photos and Facetimes that led up to that point didn't compare. 

>> did you suffer illness or injury?

I talked a little about that in this post, how I thought I was going mentally insane (extreme depression and anxiety, I was really low and health wise erratic. It was equal parts scary and frustrating.) Robin Williams had died around the time I was really struggling, I remember being SO terrified and relating in this way that internally caused me to panic. I eventually got to the point where I was forced to get help, I called my parents up and we found an amazing doctor who encouraged me and comforted me and made things happen.

On the (sort of) other side, I am MUCH healthier and happier, I am so blessed with an incredible support system and forever thankful for doctors and counselors and people who came along side me and took my burden and made it their own. Community was 90% of the solution. I'll keep it short here, but if you want to read more, read about it here!

>> who's behavior merited celebration?

Who's didn't? I'll make a short list, but honestly, I owe lots of celebration to an array of people.

My parents -- They are the drop-everything-no-questions-asked type of people. They love with no bounds or expectations, I will call at 2 AM and they will be in my house in 30 minutes, whether I ask or not. They have supported me, listened to me, provided for me and done it with grace and love. I hope that one day I can be half the parents they are. Don't even get me started on the type of people they are: giving, hard working, gracious. They truly are incredible.

My sisters -- One freaking GAVE BIRTH to a HUMAN BEING, after growing her for 9 months. That's pretty admirable in my opinion. The other two are just so giving of their time, talents, resources and gifts. I have an amazing family obvi.

>> what did you get really, really excited about?

Becoming an aunt, Angela Kinsey liking our Instagram photo, graduating, moving out, going on vacation. 

>> what did you get really, really excited about?

I feel like when I experience emotions that I feel them completely. If I'm happy, I'm REALLY happy, if I'm sad I'm REALLY sad. I got really, really excited about a lot of things: scuba diving, traveling, falling in love, meeting my niece, CHRISTMAS, shooting weddings with Terra.... 

I get really, really excited about life I guess.

>> what songs will always remind you of 2014?

The whole Taylor Swift album. I love her. She wins every award in my book.

>> did you go on vacation?

HAWAII!!! Here are some of my favorite photos, I spent 12 days there!

Worlds most non-awkard snorkel photo

From our scuba dive

My life was completed after this. I could've died (or gone home) and been happy for life.

Training for the olympics (or learning how to dive)

Channeling my inner sixth grader

My dad/adventure buddy

My beauty of a little sister, this was our last dinner on the island at MonkeyPod's Kitchen, aka heaven on earth.
I miss you garlic truffle oil fries. 

Honorable mention: I gave Colin a gift certificate to go to a Mariners game during Valentines Day, so we sat 6 rows back from home plate and enjoyed a fun, beautiful Seattle day together! 

>> what do you wish you had done more (and less) of?

WHERE DO I START?!

More // loving myself, forgiving, moving forward, spending time with Jesus, quality time with others, blogging, reading, writing, spending time with myself and for myself

Less // time on my phone, fighting with myself and others, regret, complaining, thinking about past mistakes or hurts 

>> what new food did you discover?

I (reluctantly) had to start eating healthier about September of this year and it was HARD. I originally started on a SIBO diet because I had a nasty bacteria growing inside me (yay!), and have transitioned onto paleo/whole30-esque choices. 

That being said, I've loved the book Against All Grain and have had some yummy food from there. My favorites are: these hot wings (super easy and yumm-o), she has a recipe for salsa verde chicken that is AMAZING (I can't find an online recipe link), Meat-za (pizza made with a meat crust, topped with yummy veggies and more meat if you like) it's super customizable and Colin's mom introduced it to me, a great game day meal! (GO HAWKS!)

I'm excited to try more healthy food options and I'll talk more about whole30 and paleo foods and the effect it's had on my body in a later post!

>> what was your favorite TV program?

Scandal (although I'm quickly getting irritated with the back-and-forth relationship between two of the main characters who will remain un-named due to spoilers)

NEW GIRL 

Reckless (I AM SO SAD THAT THIS SHOW IS ONLY ONE SEASON AND WASN'T PICKED UP AGAIN AFTER IT AIRED.)

And of course: THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON.

>> what was the best book you read?

Where'd You Go Bernadette? will forever be one of my favorite books. Its equal parts funny, interesting, heart breaking. I don't know WHY I love it so much, but I do. I love books that give me perspective. I tend to be very set in my ways, especially when it comes to what is "right" and "wrong", this was one of those books that shed new light to a lot of subjects. 

Gone Girl was one that I finally finished reading. It took me a few chapters to get into and I thought that it was going to be too complicated to follow, but Gillian Flynn does such a good job of interweaving a million and one stories and keeping it easy to follow (and hard to put down!)

Beautiful Ruins was another that was hard for me to get started with but I fell in love with by the end. Really captivating and interesting.

>> what did you want and get?

I wanted answers to my health mainly. I remember feeling so out of control, scared to get out of bed with no desire to tackle anything, those were the moments where I pleaded with God to heal me, show me answers, save me. I was also terrified of answers, scared that they would be grim and crippling, but I knew that the only way that I would be safe was getting help. I was blessed to get positive answers, one with tangible answers and clarity.

>> what did you want and not get?

I'm not quiet sure how to answer this one, so pass? Ha.

>> what was your favorite film of the year?

So I don't really watch movies, I have a hard time sitting still (give me books all day, errday though). Gone Girl was amazing though! I found that it stayed right on track with the book and it was a great display of talent as well! Wild was also a fun one to watch, although it wasn't Colin's favorite, he was really inspired to hike the PCT... :/ Crap.

>> what did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I turned 19! And I celebrated with church, pizza, the Seahawks and friends. 

>> what is one thing that would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I'm not sure how to answer that one. I could choose selfish, shallow things like money (hahahaha), but I actually was really blessed financially. Honestly, it would have to be how I treated myself and others, I wish I was a lot more kind. I really beat myself up sometimes and in turn, hurt others, not intentionally. I really think I could've had a made my year more satisfying and my experiences more gratifying in that sense if I had just learned to let things go and BE KIND DANG IT.  

>> how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Hmmm, that one is difficult because I wouldn't define my style as one type? I wear a lot of leggings/jeggings (praise hands) and comfy tops. Honestly, I teach preschool and wear an apron half of my day, I also wake up 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, so it's not like I really spend hours on myself in the morning. (P.S. I totally keep clothes forever too) My go-to outfit it black leggings, some sort of shirt (lacey, aztec, plaid, tee) that goes under two of my FAVORITE light jackets (denim vest/sweater and hunter green vest/sweater lolz), combat boots, boots or flats.

I like a lot of street-style Seattleite clothing, but I also dig femine flair as well. Short answer: I DON'T KNOW WHATEVER I GUESS! If you would like to see what appeals to me head over to my Pinterest style board right here. 

I texted Colin and this was his response: 

Okaaaay. Not sure what he means by that BUT! I will take it. Here are two pictures I managed to take of outfits that will also suffice as evidence:

The afore-mentioned lacey shirt and plaid and flats. 

The afore mentioned denim vest/sweater/shirt combo FTW.

>> what kept you sane?

Netflix, books, writing, journaling, napping, laughing. I know, such a basic answer but those were the first things that popped into my head. COMFOOOOORT!

>> which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

JIMMY FALLON I LOVE THAT MAN!!! I religiously watch the Tonight Show (the day after because hashtag broke college kid who can't afford cable but hashtag I love you Hulu) He is the best, funny, down to earth, humble, witty. Here are two pictures of him just because.

I also really appreciated Emma Watson really stepping out and being an all around champ with her work for women's equality, she did it with such grace, tact and class. Nick Johnson and Zooey Deschanel really captured my heart this year with their work on New Girl as well as Taylor Swift because, well she's Taylor Swift.

>> what political issue stirred you the most?

It's not so much a political issue as it was a social issue or something that made national news and hit close to home: the death of Robin Williams and the light it shed on mental illness such as depression. That really stirred up a lot of emotion and passion in me, I'm sharing a screen shot of a Facebook post from the day he died I wrote that really captures my heart behind depression and mental illness and it's stigma in the US.

As I've shared here before I too have struggled with anxiety and depression and shared about that here (and will be sharing more this coming year), 2014 was really hard for me in that regard and when Robin passed, I was in the thick of a storm. I felt like I should be embarrassed for what I was going through but was struggling because I knew it was something I couldn't control and needed help with. When he died I was infuriated that people would say things like: "He was selfish! He should've told someone!" As someone who has been there (and I am by no means justifying suicide), I know how hard it is to ask for help and I know how crippling and lonely it becomes. I feel there is a stigma surrounding mental illness as well as a lack of education and understanding and I feel like there needs to be a MASSIVE discussion about it. 

>> who did you miss?

I missed my sister, brother-in-law and niece the most. They live in East Asia and up until about a week and a half ago I hadn't seen them in almost a year and a half. I am already sad to know that their trip is ending here in a few weeks and that it will most likely be another year and a half before I see them again. :(

>> who was the best new person you met?

I didn't MEET her (as I've known her since my freshmen year), but I got to work with my sweet friend Katie Taylor as I designed her wedding invitation (insert shameless plug here):

Anyways, she was so patient and really let me do something I'm passionate about (but really nervous to actually DO), she is also hilarious, encouraging, beautiful and wonderful. I can't wait to see what her and Neil do together and I wish that we were more of real life friends. Katie, if you're reading this, you're the best, in 1000 different ways.

Katie and I the summer of 2013 serving on a missions trip

>> tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2014

++ love yourself

++ don't be afraid (or too prideful/independent) to ask for help

++ WORK HARD

++ start now

++ read your bible and pray 

>> quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Will you be surprised if it's a TSwift song? HA. But really, I feel this is applicable in all areas. Some days I would lock myself in my bathroom or car or room, blast this and dance around until I stopped crying, worrying, being angry or sad. THANK YOU TAYLOR SWIFT.

But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it offHeartbreakers gonna break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off, Shake it off

I never miss a beat
I'm lighting up my feet
And that's what they don't see
That's what they don't see
I'm dancing on my own
I make the moves as I go
And that's what they don't know
That's what they don't know
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind, saying it's gonna be alright
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake
Shake it off

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To everyone who finished this post: You da real MVP. But really, to friends, family and everyone who made me smile, encouraged and even challenged me this year, thank you.

I hope that everyone wraps up this year with peace, laughter and enters the new year with anticipation, joy and GRACE! I have so many big dreams for this year, especially for my writing and KMW so stay tuned!

the loudest quiet

I have a really tough time opening up to people, I've always journaled, written and expressed myself with pen and paper better then I ever could do in conversation. Sometimes the world sort of closes in on me and my mind is going a million miles an hour and I just grab a piece of paper, my computer, open up the notes on my phone and write. If you ask me to talk to you about an issue and I have to verbalize I tend to to freak, jumbling my words and straying from my original line of thinking. With writing I am clear and concise, I can walk away knowing that I have expressed myself down to the last line, everything inside of me neatly written, my soul empty, my thoughts arranged.

Which is sort of why I blog, because I feel like I have so much to say and share, not because I'm incredibly wise (I'm not), not because I feel like I even have anything worth sharing (I don't, I'm quite un-interesting as far as humans go), but because it's a safe place for me. If I wanted for someone to see the REAL me, I would point them to my writing. Internally I think, process and even relate to others in terms of sentence structures, letters and words. I am constantly searching for synonyms, metaphors or ways to express myself with comparisons while I'm doing busy work, creating stories while I drive. In my own little word I am a type writer constantly moving, going and reworking my thoughts as if I'm writing the next great American Novel. I don't know if that makes me a writer or a freak show, but words and sharing myself in that format, that will forever be my home. Sharing everything I have going on in my mind, to alleviate some of the noise of my own thoughts on the internet, baring my soul to a group of strangers, that's where I am truly comfortable. Gosh, I love the 21st century! 

That being said: The past little while has been hard (I know, you've heard it a million different times on KMW, but I'm, once again, alluding to that vague statement). I have really struggled with a multitude of emotions, fears, medical issues, personal issues and relationships in the past few months that have not only drained me, wiping me out, but also broken me and in all honesty made me hate facing the day. In all honesty: I thought I was going insane. I was controlled completely by my emotions and it made living life incredibly harrowing. I would wake up and know that the day wouldn't be my own, but my emotions. It's easy to tell someone to deal with it and learn to control themselves and their emotions, but when you're completely helpless, drowning in the deep and murky waters of anxiety and depression, you simply can't. I guess you don't know until you're there, tied up and screaming with one of your hands covering your cries for help, the other meddling with the knobs in your brain, cranking your emotions into overdrive while simultaneously paralyzing you. It's crippling and discouraging and exhausting and frustrating and infuriating, and gosh dang, it is hard.

I wish I could tell you some beautiful tale of how I overcame, prayed everyday and relied completely on God and was brave, because I wasn't. I was broken, totally and completely. I was scared and angry, at God for not intervening, at myself for knowing I needed to stop and failing daily, at everyone else for not understanding and at circumstances for remaining stubbornly bleak and painful. It was like standing in quicksand, slowly sinking deeper and deeper, struggling to save myself but entrapping myself more with any sort of effort. Eventually I just stopped and let myself slowly and painstakingly slip further and further under.

Finally I knew that there had to be SOMETHING wrong and I got help. It was probably the hardest thing I did because I am an incredibly independent person and I thought that by asking for help I was admitting a crippling weakness. Fast forward from August to now and I am sick, but not with depression or anxiety but a genetic disorder and mutation that was causing increased responses that presented themselves as anxiety and depression, left untreated I would've eventually presented signs of schizophrenia and begin to hear and see things. So basically, my body was sabotaging itself despite my best efforts to fix myself.

The night I found out I sat in my bed and bawled. I let the waves of relief roll over me, a tsunami that I willingly tossed and turned in, reveling in the peace that became immediate and the hope that was shining brightly. The sudden acknowledgement that I WASN'T broken, that I WAS hurting, that all this time my body was violently rebelling against me and that the real Kelly had retreated and been obliterated by this terrible reaction to medications was so sweet. I was once again weeping but this time it was in relief.

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That being said, I learned a lot on this journey. I think the biggest takeaway was that God was Lord over it all. I feel like as Christians we assume that this journey will be easy, so when life slaps us in the face and knocks us down we look at God and are ticked. I also think that we are afraid to admit that we are struggling and ask for help when life happens  and we get overwhelmed because we are supposed to have it all together. I think we forget that God is good always, even when life isn't as good and that we are just as susceptible to the side affects of living life as the next person. We will experience joy and pain in extreme amounts and some seasons are full of joy and others swing the opposite direction. Some seasons are short and others seem to drag on and I think we fail to remember that that is OKAY. It is okay to be sad and happy and to deny those harder emotions is incredibly dangerous. 

I have learned to lean on God and know that there is a purpose for pain and for joy and for struggle. That He sees me and knows I am hurting and that it will not be in vain for He is not a God of suffering or punishment, but of purpose and grace. Sometimes the answer to this problem is healing and sometimes it isn't, but just because it doesn't play out how I would like it to doesn't mean it was a complete failure or that we serve a God who is incapable. 

In those moments all I could do was wait quietly. For answers, for healing, for God, for test results and lab work, for answers and phone calls. There were quiet times of crying out to God and not-so-quiet times of yelling, but through it all, every stage of life, I was serving a God who was able and who was faithful. Even when my worship was broken, what He did on that cross and what He is doing is finished. 

This was the loudest "quiet"-ness of my life. I was incessantly bombarded with crippling feelings of despair and hopelessness and restlessness and my brain was a constant cacophony of emotions and noises. But in those moments of silence and in the moments of shouting there was a quiet cry to God to please see me and hear me and change me. I was reminded that sometimes life is beautiful and broken and tough and that's okay. There are blessings and there are trails and that doesn't make God powerless and it doesn't make me a recipient of some kind of sick punishment but merely a liver of life. What this does mean is that I have hope in a greater story, hope that this isn't the end of the finish line, hope that there is a purpose and hope that there are better things coming (hint: it's Heaven.) 

It means that I can do hard things, even if all I can do is wait quietly.

remind me

photo via my instagram {link on left!}

Every once in awhile, for five seconds, I feel like I have everything figured out. My life is neat and tidy, I feel confident, at ease and like I have control over things. Then along comes reality and the rug is pulled out from under me and there I am, a hot mess express headed not for Hogwarts (I'm still waiting, do you hear me J.K. Rowling?!) but for Patheticville, population: me.

This month has been nothing short of hard. There was lots of tears and moments of complete frustration and if I'm being honest, hopelessness. Not in a depressed, moody, emo sort of way but kind of like: Is this ever going to end? Is there ever light at the end of this tunnel? You know what I mean? When you can't catch a break and you constantly are on the verge of a nervous breakdown because you're an ultra sensitive weirdo named Kelly?

Most days it takes all that is in me not lay in bed and cry. And I would do just that, whine and mope and wallow in the sadness that was my life. Then I was convicted, so, instead, I set my alarm 10 minutes before I would get up just to have this conversation with God: "Hi, it's me again. I'm not looking forward to today but I know that You have a plan and a purpose, so use me, fill me with peace and rid me of anxiety. Help me be Your light as I love you better and love others like You call me to. Remind me that I'm drowning in Your grace, free from bondage to my sins and shortcomings, covered by Your blood. Within that freedom let me be refined and shaped more and more into Your image." Then we chat some more and I get up, only to have this same conversation 100 more times throughout the day.

Why? Because God is faithful. Always. He meets me wherever I am, knowing full well that I have nothing to offer. Even when at the end of the day I can say: "God, I have led 5 people to Christ, prayed all day, read my Bible, saved a cat from a tree and booked a missions trip to Haiti..." He loves me just as if I came to Him with nothing but my sin and dirtiness. My works mean nothing to Him in terms of His love for me and the amount of grace He shows. Sure, He is most glorified when I live a life that honors Him and worships Him, but that doesn't mean when I'm a complete failure that it's all lost. Good, bad or indifferent, His love, grace, goodness, is constant and faithful. Nothing I can do can change that.

I've been challenged lately to really tune into God, particularly, His faithfulness to me and His word. I intentionally look for His hand in my day to day activities and how His faithfulness is there, whether it be a whisper or a shout. Some days I see it in the the smiles on my students faces, it's the random message I find on Facebook in a comment or message, maybe it's the daily verse on my Bible app. Other days it's the in-your-face, blatant, flashing neon sign in the guise of a devotion, quiet time or lesson from school. But everyday, there are reminders littered throughout the day that God is constant, His goodness is sure and I can rest assured that He chose me before the foundation of the world. 

That's when something started to change. When I turned my focus from my anxiety, my fear, the pressure to please others (HELLO: when I stopped focusing on me!) and began looking to Christ, it all shifted and my heart changed. My days weren't full of anxiety but instead full of peace that God was in control and that He would be there. I became filled with faith, my prayers were dripping with confidence knowing that they would be answered, I knew that when I asked, God would move! It wasn't because He had to, I wasn't testing God, but His faithfulness was teaching me to be faithful to Him, trusting that He would provide. I nipped my negative thoughts in the bud and instead replaced them with hurried whispers of: "Jesus, remind me..."

Remind me that I am Yours. Remind me that I am approved. Remind me that I am covered. Remind me that it was finished on the cross. Remind me that I am forgiven. Remind me that You are moving. Remind me that You do not forget. Remind me of Your love. Remind me of Your grace. Remind me of the cross. Remind me that You are peace. Remind me that You are Lord. Remind me!

Remind me that You are faithful to Your Word and You are faithful to me.

enough

Sometimes, I'm a real jerk to myself. (But aren't we all?) It's taken me a LONG time to become at peace with who I am. In fact, I'm not even all the way there. I wake up some days and am disappointed with the person looking in the mirror, not just physically, but who that person is. She's too loud. Too obnoxious. Too crazy. Too ______. I will sit there and beat myself up over it, I'll think of everything I've ever said and critique it to the umpth degree. I am my own worst enemy.

I've begin to realize that a lot of it boils down to this: I have an unhealthy obsession with trying to please people and measure up to them or their standards for me. I want them to like me, accept me, enjoy me, laugh at me, be happy with me. I want them to accept me. I look at their Instagram feeds, I see them laughing with friends and tweeting about their fabulous life, I watch them cut me down and I still think: "If I was just like her... I would be enough." That's hard. It's hard to wake up every day hoping to impress the world and be someone you're not. Hoping to be enough, do enough, say enough. I'll let you in on a little secret: You can't. 

But that didn't stop me. Some days, it still doesn't stop me.

It will rush back to me, all those moments where I was being belittled by my classmates, teammates, friends, teachers. Sometimes I feel like looking back on the past is like walking through a dangerous field of hidden land mines, I'm never sure where to step, where the next weak spot will be. I have to cautiously navigate and wade through some days because the slightest thing is a deadly trigger, a crippling blow that completely shatters the sensitive walls and barriers I've put up trying to protect myself. There are mornings where I wake up and I can feel it lingering at the corners of my mind as the fog of sleep clears. Sometimes all it takes is a simple comment and suddenly it's as if a floodgate has opened up and a tsunami crashes over me, paralyzing me to where I am back to that place, ensconced in darkness, worrying and wishing and hoping that I would someday be adequate. 

I remember bawling into my dads shoulder one night in middle school, "I just want them to like me! I want them to be okay with me so that I can be okay with myself." It was as if my worth depended on them, as if they gave me permission to be someone great, to be vibrant, to shine, as if they gave me the right to be and feel like I was enough.

I wish I had had the courage to be okay with who I was. I wish I had taken the time to surround myself with the sorts of people I am now blessed to call friends, ones that remind me and encourage me and value me when sometimes I forget to do so myself. Ones that overall, point me to Jesus, where I am reminded that I will ALWAYS be enough for Him.

There are days that I wish I could visit myself in the past, build a time machine just so that I could go back to me in my middle school days, the ones where my self confidence was non existent and I tried far too hard to please others. I would find myself crying in the bathroom, hiding in my bedroom or fuming with God in a heated journal entry and I would say to her: "Dear Kelly, you're wonderful. You're smart. You're funny. You're witty. You're silly. You're talented. You are enough."

But more than that, I wish I could remind her of how brilliant she is and I would want to tell her this: God loves her. He accepts her. He made her and knows every single one of her flaws, and He said: You know what? I love Kelly so much I am going to send my son to die for her, to take her place, and I'm going to forget all her sins, her ugliness and I am going to love her. You also know what? I am going to make her in my image. She will be the best thing ever because she has a mighty God in her and He loves every little thing about her, even if she doesn't see it.

There are so many words I wish I could say to that person, the one that spent hours journaling horrible, horrible things about herself. Hours standing in front of the mirror envisioning what parts of her would look better if she could just do this... To the girl who would dread getting out of bed in the morning, or walking into a classroom where a mean girl sat, mentally picking her apart. To that girl who just wanted desperately to be accepted. I would simply want her to be able to say: I am enough.

I wish I could go back to every one of those moments where I felt inadequate, lonely, imperfect or worthless and whisper: "You are enough." In fact, I wish I could shout it from the mountains: "YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!" Screaming it so loudly that every person felt it and knew it. Every harsh word would quickly be swallowed by the booming echo of truth that resonated throughout that dark valley of hurt. I wish I could open up a stand on every street corner of every high school and with a megaphone shout it to every person that hustled by on their way to class, choking back tears or avoiding the eyes of their peers, struggling to keep it together for just one more day.

You are enough.

I dislike that this world hardened me for so long. I hate that I spent much of my life wishing I was something I wasn't. I cringe at the thought that there are people out there who feel the same way I did for much, much too long. It makes me hurt with everything in me to think that people will hate the person they see in the mirror every day of their life. And even if it's for one day, that is one day too many. 

It hurts me even more to know that the influence that we allow others to have over us. There will be days where its as our whole life revolves around pleasing  friends, peers, teachers or parents and those are the days that turn into nights where you can hear their words running through your mind, as if they were on a loop. As if they had the power to judge you, as if they were perfect. As if they took one moment to consider the potential, the beauty, and the wonderful creation you were. As if they took the time to consider the GOD who made you and who you were made after. As if they had any right to judge you for being who He created you to be.

I've come to this conclusion: I am going to love myself. I am going to love others. I am going to accept the fact that we are ALL full of flaws and we ALL make mistakes but we are ALL the same. We are all imperfect. And that is enough for me to have in common with someone to love them. 

We are all enough. 

christ is enough (& other things I learned this summer)

Real talk: The past few months have been hard.

I have been so heavy, broken and really searching and finding God in a new way. It amazes me that when I feel shattered and raw, when I'm worn down and weary, I can turn to Christ and weep, giving Him what little I have to offer, my broken pieces really, and He makes me new and heals me. He is my hope and stay.

I have felt heavy, yes, but more so I've felt almost like a failure, especially as of late.

For years there has been this buildup to the milestone that is "GRADUATION" and I am aware that it isn't the greatest accomplishment I will have, but it's my greatest feat yet. (12 years of school isn't a walk in the park, let me tell you.) A lot of weight is put in that day and rightly so! Your next big adventure awaits just on the horizon once you finish the last hill that is high school. Once you graduate though, a lot of expectations, hopes and dreams are invested into you. You are told to grow up, head to college and change the world. The response to your future are most often eager, full of pats on the back and declarations of: "You're doing the right thing! Your future is bright!"  

I sit back and watch my peers, friends and kids my ages be pat on the back and cheered on. They head off to become doctors and teachers and all around world changers and I can't help but feel a lack of enthusiasm for what I have on my horizon. 

To be honest, I know what I want to do, however I have no idea how to get there or what my immediate future holds. I am a terribly cautious person, indecisive as all get out and overall I'm terrified of letting other people down. (All the people pleasers murmur an enthusiastic: "Amen!") 

My friends, my parents, church people, teachers, customers, curious strangers and the like all have suddenly become people I can let down. They hear I've graduated and ask for my future plans and I reply: "I'm going to bible college." 

And I wait.

Because I know what comes next... "That's it?!" They ask, and I cringe. I can see disappointment flash in their eyes and my stomach tightens as I think: "They think I'm better than this." My heart is suddenly in my throat (and as of recently, tears sting my eyes) and I mentally add another check in the box next to People-Who-Are-Disappointed-In-My-Schooling-Of-Choice, an ever-growing list and the stuff my nightmares are presently made of. 

In those few words and the questions that soon follow, my passion, my desire, what I feel is God's calling on my life begins to be inundated with doubt. I begin to question my passion, is it uninspired? Lazy? Worth it? The hours of quiet time, the moments of sweet peace that have flooded this ever-so-anxious soul of mine, God's quiet reminders in my life, sweet confirmations that I was doing what He had always planned for me, are called into question.

The jury is 12 versions of myself, all a little bit more worried, panicky and full of doubt than the next. It's a losing battle for myself even before I give my opening argument.

So the past few months, especially the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time crying, praying, wrestling with God and trying not to punch someone in the face. I want to scream, I want to curl up in a ball and cry, I want my heart to be ripped off my sleeve and hardened so that it isn't so darn sensitive. But remember what I said earlier? I have come to God and said: "Listen buddy, here is the situation and it doesn't look good for the people-pleasing Kelly you created."

Want to know the cool thing? He reminds me that I already have the only approval, validation and source of praise I need and that is His. It was given to me when He died on that cross and took away my sin, extended His hand of grace and I accepted, forever to dwell in the presence of God. It's a tricky thing my friends, to fully trust God, that He will provide, especially when we are surrounded by people who may not understand our chosen paths or callings or those who are genuinely speaking into our lives out of love. But it is here that I am resting, it is here that I am clinging and it is here you will find me (probably for the rest of my life), in the approval of Christ.

It is here that I can say with confidence: YES! I am going to bible college because I know this: I have no desire to do anything but dive head first and go all in to the works of the Kingdom. I am aware that this can be done in any sort of career path you choose and I give my kudos to those who choose to go that route. But my passion and calling lies in serving alongside churches, organizations and missions. What I may lack in yachts and mansions I will surely make up for in my faith that God will provide if I let Him do His work through me and follow His calling on my life, whatever that may look like. To you this may seem "reckless", but gosh, isn't that the gospel? One big story of people being reckless (in the best of ways) with their lives in their pursuit of God?

Very rarely do I ever have a song that I listen to that I feel resonates with me, but I heard this song the other day and it rings so clearly with me, I feel like God is reminding me every time that I listen that I am doing what's best for me:

Christ is my reward

And all of my devotion
Now there's nothing in this world
That could ever satisfy

Christ is enough for me
Christ is enough for me
Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
No turning back

So I have a secret for you: I have never been so excited and so sure of my future. I don't know the gist of it (does anybody though?), but I have total and complete faith, I have purpose and I have peace and that's enough for me because Christ is enough for me.