kelly meets australia (!!!!!!!!)

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear."

A print that says just that sits a top my nightstand and has for the past year. It's followed me to 4 different homes, 4 bedrooms, 4 apartments and 4 walls. It's been a small little guy, a tiny reminder among my cluttered wall of words. Words are my thing, they comfort me and challenge me and this was quote was just another cluster of words that did just that. Often I would look at the words and think about what I feared...

Fear is the root of a lot of my choices and who I am. Fear is the root of my insecurity, fear has inhibited me from being me, unashamedly, it has kept me from sharing my faith, it's paralyzed me, coursed through me and been present in almost every area of my life. 

Fear has been my controller. 

Last year when I graduated I was afraid to move away from home. Afraid to leave the comfort of the roots I had laid down, afraid to leave my friends and family, afraid of so many things but mostly afraid that I couldn't live a happy, joyful life that had adventure and spontaneity. I was so afraid that I told myself that I wasn't "that girl" that could do those sorts of things. So, I went to school online, something I that I loved every second of and that I'm positive was all part of Gods perfect plan. I wrote about my choice in college in this post and I still stand by every word that I wrote. I will forever be grateful for what transpired within that year and the process and repercussions of that choice. I also was able to teach an incredible class of 40 kids ranging in ages of 3-5. I fell in love with life through their eyes and adored my job, one of the best experiences of my life hands down. I saw some pretty incredible things, made new relationships that shattered walls and boundaries I had put up, let go of a few things that were holding me back and fell in love with Jesus all over again. 

Not for one second do I feel any shame or regret in the choices I made, even if they were choices made out of fear instead of faith. I truly believe that each incident, person, failure and triumph since I graduated was God preparing me for right now. He was constantly working in those choices and in those moments and they were collectively preparing, shaping and refining me for right now.

What is right now you ask? Right now I'm planning on doing (easily) the craziest thing I've ever attempted. I'm picking up that little print and moving it to its 5th home, 5th wall and 5th flat in September.  

That home is Sydney Australia. 

It was strange really how this opportunity fell into my lap. It came about after a conversation with a friend of a friend who lived in Australia and I flippantly remarked afterwards: "How fun would it be to go to school there?" At the time I was thinking about becoming a graphic designer, something that I had quickly and passionately fallen in love with, but hadn't given much serious career thought to. After that remark though, I did a quick google search, found an incredible school with a program that I immediately fell in love with and then shut my computer and didn't think much of it. Classic Kelly.

In that few months afterwards it kept creeping up.

I would log into Pinterest and be captivated by every single graphics piece that popped up in my feed. Suddenly, my "Suggested Pins" were tutorials for Illustrator and graphics rather then clothes or home decor. I helped a friend make invitations for her wedding and was giddy with the thought of rushing home and spending the night behind my computer carefully crafting a beautiful piece for her. I would spend my free time signing up for online classes, browsing sites like Creative Market, listening to podcasts by graphic design entrepreneurs, completely immersing myself and falling in love with this outlet where I could express myself. 

However, every time I considered going to school for graphic design it always involved Australia and I quickly pushed it away and hurried it out with an excuse: "I couldn't move away from home to Australia.", "I couldn't go to school for 40 hours a week.", "My parents would never let me do this.", "I would never let myself do that."

January rolled around and I began feeling like I needed to seriously consider going to college. I loved bible school but where I was attending wasn't accredited and I felt my heart going another direction. I applied to the local state school and got accepted with a lovely scholarship and was thrilled. I even got accepted into their graphics program only to find out that it was getting phased out and in 2019 when I would graduate the degree wouldn't exist. 

Honestly, I was angry. I had felt for certain that this was what I wanted and what I was going to do with my life. I had found something that I was passionate about, something that inspired me and motivated me, a task that was creative and an outlet for who I was and what I loved. I had taken the initiative and applied to a school and felt confident with my choice, something that is often difficult for me to do and done with much caution and consideration. Once again, I was suddenly and abruptly back at square one. 

Frustrated, I hesitantly looked back at the school in Sydney and fell in love again. Fear still held me back and the excuses kept running through my mind, so I didn't think much of it. One night at dinner with my dad I casually mentioned something and he was excited. So, in true Kelly form, I became suddenly obsessed.

I was going to Australia come hell or high water.

On February 17th I called my dad and said (crying): "I'm moving to Sydney. I want to go to school there." And he, being the fantastic guy that he is, said: "If that's what you want to do, do it. Let's start praying." 

Internally I kind of went: "Crap. I was sort of just kidding. Is this really happening?" But, nonetheless, I was excited. At this point, I wasn't really even hesitant and I felt sure that this was where I needed to be. I was more worried that it was sort of this HUGE undertaking, you know moving across the world, going to an intensive graphics program and being away from family was kind of what I've been avoiding all this time.

I wasn't worried that God wasn't able or that this wasn't His plan, I was worried I couldn't handle it. 

So I prayed a very candid, very You-just-gave-me-the-craziest-dream-and-desire-I've-ever-had-so-the-balls-in-your-court-home-dawg prayer that went something like this: "God, if this is what you want for my life, if this is Your will, make it happen. All I want is to honor and follow and live a life worthy of the calling that You've placed on it. If this is it, provide me the finances, give me the peace, send me the community, you know my heart, you know my end days, you know what's coming, I want to be honoring of that. Make it clear in my heart and mind that this is what You want from me and I will do it."

I prayed that prayer every day for a few months with not a lot of progress in plans. I had my parents blessing and support, I was excited, I had options I was looking into, but no permanent plans. Since the second I decided to go, not once did I feel anxiety, not once did I feel this need to control or that everything was out of my control, I felt nothing short of peace and confirmation that everything would happen in its own time I just needed to have faith. 

That was enough for me to know that I was right where I needed to be and I was doing just what God had called me to do. For the first time I wasn't living in fear, I was living in faith.

To keep the post short I'll save the crazy stories of Gods provision within that few months for another time but! I will say this: I have no doubt that Gods hand has been in this process even when I graduated last May. He was preparing the greatest faith building experience and blessing of my life thus far in ways that 12 months ago I wasn't even aware of. How good is our God that when we are full of fear, when we are distant from Him and don't have faith, He is still faithful, still good and still working?

Three months ago I committed my plans to the Lord, I asked Him to take away anxiety, give me peace and clarity and He exceeded every prayer or plan I could've said or dreamed up.

There are so many people who have encouraged me, prayed for me and guided me within this process. My parents have been incredible, so loving, caring and supportive, my sister Jessica has offered wisdom, comfort and laughter that has encouraged and relieved me more then she'll know. My church has come alongside me with excitement and additional prayer, my friends have been incredible, equal parts devastated to see me leave (which has been great for bolstering my ego) and excited to see what comes. My boss was so gracious when I told her I wasn't coming back next year and has taught me so much the past year that has shaped me for what's coming down the pipe, my friends in Australia have helped me find roommates, community, church and promised me adventures galore, all while also praying for me and proving to me that the best is yet to come. This list could go on forever but what I'm getting at is this: God has been so gracious in the people He has given me. 

If you're the praying type and think of me, I would be forever indebted to you if you lifted me up. Financially, emotionally, physically as well as making sure I get visas, plane tickets, a flat for my flatmates (!!!!!!!!) and I, my family, my peace of mind and that I would have the time of my freaking life.

Nine months ago I thought I had stumbled across a "random" website, a far off school that only existed in my wildest, most unattainable dreams. Six months ago I applied and got accepted into WSU and thought that was where I was headed for the next four years. Three months ago I found out that the program I applied for was gone and I decided to give my hopes and dreams and plans to God and He did the impossible. And then, five seconds ago I secured my spot at Shillington College of Design in Sydney.

And to think I almost missed this, missed life, missed adventure, because of fear.

To God be the glory. 

along the way

Somewhere along the way I talked myself into the idea I would never have close friends who I would laugh hysterically at, someone to drive around with while having long life talks (and maybe chat about Kylie Jenner's lips somewhere in there too, HATE ME) and someone to watch bad reality TV alongside of. 

I'm not quite sure how I talked myself into this idea, whether it was because I told myself that people were bad and not worth the time and energy or simply that I told myself I wasn't good enough or worthy of such friendships, regardless, I put this distinct line where I cut people off. You could be my friend up until this point, a point of safety and distance that allowed us to be friendly, but not close. I had told myself that this was rational and fair; a caution that needed to be taken, but in all honesty it was hellish. At this place I felt not only isolated but broken. I couldn't trust others, I couldn't even trust myself to make a good choice in friends, I let bitterness and unforgiveness take root and suddenly it consumed me to the point where this "place" wasn't just a place, it became my home.

It wasn't like distrust, bitterness and unforgiveness showed up at my hearts doorstep and I was all: "OH YES I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE! SLEEP ON THE COUCH! DOORS ALWAYS OPEN! RUIN MY LIFE! DISTANCE ME FROM GOD! CAN'T WAIT!" The enemy is tricky like this. His lies and the baggage they drag along behind them don't present themselves as their true forms because they're lies, instead he wraps them up as nice little packages, he convinces you that this is for your benefit while also taunting and tormenting you, he comforts you with the idea that being alone is better then having friends at all. Then he laughs. Because he's also a bully.

And this was where I found myself. 

Somewhere along the way I had built up these walls of protection, strong and steadfast, high above me and all around. They kept people away, danger was at bay and I could sleep soundly knowing I was safe. Except I wasn't safe and I didn't sleep soundly. In fact, I was sad and alone and angry. I was angry at God for not making me "likable" or "trusting" or capable of making and keeping friends, angry at myself for being too much of a freak to keep friends and angry at people for not being there for me. Couldn't they see I was alone? Couldn't God? Suddenly my fortress was a prison, one that I had created subtly over time, gradually chipping away who I was to create the walls that kept me contained.

Isolation is a pretty miserable place to be, but its right where the enemy wants us. Alone and in the quiet corners of heart I was curling up and telling myself that I was a failure. I wasn't good, I would make a horrible friend, I was a freak, a loser, a messy, awful, annoying person who had all these issues. I had anxiety that crippled me and added to this. Good Christian girls didn't have anxiety, they weren't depressed or emotional or feeling the things I was, they fiercely loved Jesus and were buzzing with constant joy and satisfaction in Christ, they were surrounded by friends and probably also didn't get pimples. Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I was never going to be that and by then I had distanced myself so far away from friends and God and even myself that I was unrecognizable. 

Back in February I found myself at a crossroad. I was faced with a choice: I could continue to quietly whisper these things to myself, not daring to open up and tell a soul and befriend them and share my brokenness with them. I could continue to avoid community and relationship in the realest, most honest, most raw form of itself. I could continue to imprison myself in my own loneliness and isolation and continue listening to my own lies and those of the enemy. 

Or I could face it all head on, stand up and deal. So I did.

And it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to force myself to be honest and open up to the Holy Spirit and the bits of me that needed healing. It wasn't easy to invite God in and give Him control and ultimate authority in my life. It wasn't easy to repent of my sin and even to forgive and accept an apology I never got years ago. It wasn't easy to trust that God would meet my need in His timing and in His perfect way and that it would all work out. It wasn't easy to go out and make friends and open up and be real. It was excruciating for me to say: "This is me, I'm Kelly, this is what I am."

But you know what? God is good and He met me where I was and He redeemed and He restored and He healed. At this crossroad that I was at, somewhere along the way God stepped in and took control and I let Him, and it was good. So, so good.

When God reached out and extended His hand of grace and forgiveness to me and I reached out and clutched it, I held on tight. I'm still clutching right now because I'm acutely aware of how desperately in need of Him I am and how His hand has quickly restored me. In turn, I was able to offer the same hand of grace and forgiveness to others and most importantly to myself. Where there once was isolation and lies and loneliness, there is now freedom. 

God's mere presence in our lives brings unequivocal freedom and simply inviting Him in allows that freedom to interrupt my daily life. To meet me somewhere along the way and rescue me. That same freedom extended into my friendships and allowed that excruciating: "This is me, I'm Kelly, this is what I am." to turn into a freeing moment. 

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that isolation and loneliness was going to be something I was "stuck" with for the reset of my life. There wasn't one person, one defining moment or one incident that allowed me to believe that lie, it was one the enemy carefully wove for me over time and that I fell for and entrapped myself in.

Somewhere along the way I believed the lie that God didn't love me enough to bring me friends. The kind that were going to pray for me, encourage me, walk beside me and love me for who I was in my messy imperfection. The kind that would stay up late eating pizza with me and watching E! News and chatting about the benefits of using expensive shampoo. The kind that would point me to the cross when I was hurting and knock me upside the head with truth when I was out of line. The kind that were happy when I was happy and would throat punch anyone who looked cross eyed at me. Along the way I've come to realize that those are the types of friendships God always wanted for me. The kind He blesses me with and the community His presence creates. 

And when those friends fail not because they're jerks but because they're human, He reminded me that He is always able and constant. He doesn't promise me a perfect, carefree, easy life, but He does promise me His son, to walk beside me and guide me, to comfort and satisfy me when even I'm incapable of comforting and satisfying myself.

Somewhere along the way I got it ALL wrong and a little off track. And I'm okay with that because somewhere along the way, I finally got it right.

for moms

My mom, sisters and I, captured by the ever so talented and wonderful Terra Nyce Photography

I never realized how incredibly difficult it was to be a mom until this September when I started teaching preschool. I didn't realize how much you could feel for one little person so deeply and truly and candidly, how you could be so in sync with another being, feeling and hurting and expressing with them as if it was yourself.

But that's simply being a mom and that's mind blowing to me.

Suddenly, mothers day cards became too generic and superficial, they're merely words on a page that only scratch the surface of a true mom. You find yourself thinking: "This would work for a robot mom, but not mine." I don't think you can ever fully capture the true essence who a mom is.

You can't capture the weight of her love for you. A weight so heavy and so real, she feels it's constant joy and at times, it's deep rooted pain. It is with her always, a burden she will bear long after you fly the coop. It is oftentimes the driving force behind her decisions, the words she speaks and the things she does. She feels with you so deeply because that love is a bond that was created the moment you were conceived. Your laughter, your tears, your shame, your joy, your pride, your pain, they are all things that your mother will feel with you, as if it were her own. You'll never be able to truly capture that she feels so much of you in her because you were once a part of her and that love is the connecting piece that constantly draws her to you.

You can't capture the thrill she gets when she sees you in the morning. Your snotty nose and bleary eyes, mouth caked with the filmy residue of dried drool. That flutter in her heart so distinct, so unique that it could only mean one thing: You.

You can't capture the many hours of fighting off sleep trying to nurse you back to health. The hours spent wringing out wet cloths to cool your feverish head, changing sheets soiled because you couldn't to make it to the bathroom in time or the times spent carefully measuring out "cherry" flavored medicines and coaxing you into swallowing the nasty concoction. You can't sufficiently capture other times where she anxiously googled all your late night symptoms on webMD, basking in the glow of her whirring laptop as your weary head rests on her lap watching those horrid cartoons that are only funny at 3 am when you're hopelessly sleepy. But more often then not, more sleepless hours were accumulated not because you were sick, but because she couldn't bear the thought of being away from you. So there she was at 3 am by your bed, stroking your dozing, unaware head, as she welled up with tears and this love for you so big and so real that at times it just crashed over her in relentless tsunami like waves.

You can't capture the joy that floods her when you score your first goal (and every goal after that) or the way her heart breaks when she sees those girls on the playground ignoring your sweet spirit. The way the mama bear she always swore she would never be rears her ugly head the first time that the neighborhood bully kicks you in the shins. You can't capture the meticulous way she researches and attentively listens to every book and resource she can find on childhood development when secretly she wishes she could just take a crash course on Motherhood 101. But then, you won't be able to capture the frustration she feels at herself when she gets the call from your teacher that you poked someone in the eye with a pencil and she thinks: "Where did I go wrong?"

And oh! You can't capture all the times she felt inadequate. There are weeks where her inadequacy is a constant pulse and beat beneath her skin, she's constantly and painfully aware of it, worried that each passing moment her lack of title as "SuperMom" is permanently damaging you for the rest of your life. There are times where she locks herself in the bathroom, curled up alongside the bathtub, water running to quiet the sound of her sobs, her mind racing and questioning why she ever signed up for this. You can't capture that those tears aren't because you're the worst kid to walk earth, but because she genuinely feels like she is the worst mom ever to the most perfect thing ever. (And at times she's acutely aware of your imperfection, but 90% of the time she thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread.)

You can't capture that burning desire she feels at times to talk to someone over the age of 5 and the intense longing she has for you when she finally gets a 10 minute reprieve in the form of grocery shopping. You can't capture all the little moments where she is overwhelmed by her role as mother, the joy and fulfillment that it brings her, a swinging pendulum of emotions.

But then the kids grow up and in that itself there is a new set of challenges and emotions.

Suddenly she's less appealing as her 5 year old turns 15 in the blink of an eye. You can't capture the sound of her shattered heart as you slam the door and scream: "I HATE YOU!' at her for the first time, nor every time that you say it after that. You can't capture the way she breaks a little with the distance that comes with maturity and growing up. That it means that she sees less of you and you're arrival home isn't met with: "Mommy I missed you!" but instead: "What's for dinner?"

You can't capture the welling of pride inside her chest as she sees you spread your wings, nor can you capture the sleepless nights she now spends waiting for you to get home, checking in on you when you're gone and missing you so fiercely when you finally head off to college.

You can't capture the hours spent in prayer for your future, constantly seeking and hoping the very best for you. You can't capture how many times she's battled to keep it together when she gets a glimpse at the fantastic person you're becoming, but inside she's bursting. Once again, she lays down at night and cries silent tears, but this time of happiness. She's a little more relieved at year 18 then she was at year 8 that maybe she hadn't ruined you for good and that you still had a fighting chance.

You can't capture motherhood in a card or a gift or a sweet sentiment. How could you? How could you capture a job that is ever evolving, growing, stretching and constantly a part of you? From the moment she finds out she's pregnant to her last breath she is constantly being and becoming and growing into her title as mother. Not for herself or anyone else but because of you. She wants to be the best so that she can give the best to you. You can't capture that selflessness anywhere else.

There isn't a job out there that requires so much of someone. So much strength, resiliency, patience, care, tolerance, love, emotional capacity, tears, or blood. There isn't enough time in a day or adjectives in the dictionary to encompass and do justice to the task of motherhood. I could spend the rest of my life trying, but I would fail miserably.

Motherhood is difficult. It requires carrying the weight of not only yourself but the ones you're entrusted with. You feel so deeply and love so genuinely it builds you up and breaks you all at the same time. Oftentimes you're exhausted but sustained by the joy of your job and the love you have for these little people that is so deeply engrained in you so quickly.

The more I grow up, the more I realize what a terrifying yet gratifying job mothering is. From the time I was tiny I always wanted to be a mom, but right now I'm perfectly content with being in awe of every single woman who wakes up and champions her role as a mother.

So for this mothers day I'm another year more acutely aware of how inadequate my words are and how futile my actions, but I also am more appreciative and taken aback by the women in my life who have raised me and given me examples of what it means to truly be a mother.

Because, did I forget to mention that sometimes mothering isn't by the same lady who birthed you (although I was lucky enough to have her in the picture too), but oftentimes we are mothered by those around us, even when we don't realize it? We float through life getting shaped and loved and encouraged and nurtured into people who then in turn do it to their own kids and sphere of people. You can't capture that motherhood extends and reaches and influences  a vast number of lives, ones that she never imagined or thought she touched. But she did, because that's what her job entitles.

To my mother in particular: Thank you for raising someone like me. So wild, crazy and outspoken, I'm sure I broke your heart more then I ever encouraged it but I wanted to let you know how thankful I am for you, your influence and your presence in my life. You have loved me, prayed me and pushed me into the semi decent, loud, obnoxious person I am today. I'm thankful that I was given you and not a robot mom because robot moms are only Mother's Day card material and you are so, so much more.

All moms are so much more then anyone or anything could ever capture.