faithful satisfaction

Hi, so let's not even acknowledge that I haven't written a blog post since the beginning of the year (unless you count the one time I copy and pasted an old post, which doesn't count by the way.)

I feel like the past few months have flown by, I have had every intention of sitting down and pounding out what is going on and what God is doing and sharing, but every time I do, I walk away feeling like I don't have the adequate words. 

In October I shared this post where I opened up about my battle with anxiety and depression and the medical war (and dear God did it feel like an all out war) I had been waging over the summer. It was a tough post to write, opening up about my biggest demons was scary and daunting but it was cathartic and healing in the process. I was able to reach out and say: "I love Jesus, but I was hurting and I needed to get help and I want to say that it's okay to ask for help. You aren't broken beyond repair or less of a Christian because of it." 

That being said, since that time, mostly this new year, my life and my faith have been radically changed. (HAHAHAHAHA EVERY BLOG POST I HAVE EVER WRITTEN.) Sometimes in life we are faced with tough challenges and big decisions and they bring you to your knees. 

I've always struggled with my identity and being confident with who I was. I was convinced that this was always going to be a part of me and and a part of my life. I was constantly aware of everyone's disapproval of who I was, I tried so hard to please this person or that person, I was so wrapped up in making myself or others happy that I was miserable. I began believing the lies of isolation that we can so quickly become entrapped in.

"You'll never make friends."

"You'll never be good enough."

"You'll never be happy all the time."

"You'll always be anxious." 

"You'll never be able to go to college."

"You'll never....."

The never's became my best friends. They woke me up in the morning and sang me to sleep every night, they were my constant companion, everything became an insurmountable obstacle that the never's reminded me I couldn't do. I removed myself from friendships, believing they were never going be successful, healthy, thriving places of rest and refreshment. I removed myself from church and community because they would never understand me and they would ultimately hurt me. I removed myself from Jesus because He would never get me or my pain, He would never fully heal me, He would never quench my desires and restore me. The never's backed me into a corner until I was all alone and then they told me that I would never be enough either. 

The world suddenly was this awful, horrible place and I was just another pawn in the game. 

But the funny thing is, is that I had convinced myself that the never's was normal and in fact extremely logical. I was "cautious" when it came to friends, "smart", "careful", "sensitive", whatever adjective that seemed to explain away what was in reality hurt and bitterness. 

In all honesty the root of the problem was a weak faith in God. Sure, I believed that He had died for me, I talked about my faith in Him and I whole heartily believed the stories that I was told, but I didn't have faith that God could completely and fully satisfy me like He could do for others. I would always have a small part of me that would never be enough, never make friends, never not be anxious, never be happy, never be satisfied...

I had spent so long telling myself that Jesus couldn't and that I couldn't and that everyone else couldn't that I had no faith in anyone or anything. That's a horribly lonely, dark place to be. Everything seems so big and scary and impossible and that's because there is no hope therefore it IS big and scary and impossible, but that isn't reality. 

This is the reality of Jesus: He is able. He is big and mighty and the never's are nothing to Him. I was so terrified to give up control and have faith wholly and completely in God that I ultimately was alone and defeated. I think I was scared that I would be trapped. I thought that I was free when I was faithless, but freedom came with faith.

I made conscious efforts to pray and read and rely only on God and His word. Things shifted when I woke up in the morning and committed my day to Him, the moment I woke up, I prayed, invited God in, asked for wisdom and joy, peace and guidance and an awareness of Him. When I was overwhelmed or began doubting I would turn on worship or open my bible, flooding the darkness with light, the lies with truth. When I was nervous or anxious, I prayed. All this time I thought God wasn't meeting me when in reality I wasn't allowing my heart to open up and let Him in.

I gave up my false sense of "freedom" to throw myself at the foot of the cross, embrace grace and rest in Jesus and that is where I was truly free. I was free from the constant presence of the never, I was rid of my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, I was satisfied and whole when I pursued Christ and only Him.

It had been so long since I had heard God's voice and felt His presence that I had to pull over the first time I felt Him so near to me again, like an old friend, He sidled right up to me and held me as if He had never left. I thought I had lost it. I thought that I was so broken beyond repair that I was never again going to experience being near to God. But, God is faithful to His Word and His promises, even when I am not faithful to Him. He was waiting for me to get my act together and with grace and love He welcomed me back and wiped every tear, healed my heart and refreshed me with a fullness only He can give. 

What I'm getting at is that faith brings freedom and freedom produces satisfaction. When you have faith in God, the good, the bad and the life that you live is suddenly okay again. Your world is complete and there is this supernatural feeling of joy and peace that surpasses anything this world can give you or explain. That is faith and that is Jesus.

My satisfaction is in Christ alone. It is in Him I look for my joy, peace, happiness and it is there that the never's are squelched, my craziness quieted, this anxious little heart of my put to rest and it is there that I am completely and unequivocally satisfied.